Sex is Friction Eros is Myth

In the sex-negative, sex-ignorant culture we are immersed in, it may never have occurred to you that there is more to consider and explore beyond the friction-level sex most of us have engaged in. Friction level sex, while often quite satisfying, is of generally short duration. It just dusts the surface of the Erotic depths we are capable of experiencing, and are instinctively inclined to desire.

It’s reported that the average man, when engaging his sexual partner ejaculates in about seven minutes …or less! Men, listen up—anything under a half hour should be considered premature ejaculation!

That is of course meant to be a provocative statement, not a judgment on men. In fairness, the invitation here is aimed at both men and women to explore further into their dance of Eros. Less than a half hour of lovemaking may mean missing the deeper realms of erotic ecstasy waiting for you both, just over the horizon of what I call friction sex.

Finding your way to these deeper realms, has something to do of course, with not relying solely on friction, or intense friction while engaging sexually.  In these realms of Eros the mission is not ejaculation or orgasm per se, but immersion in the ecstatic, intimate body, spirit and soul experience of the vast erotic landscape.  The potency is in the ecstasy of the shared journey itself, not only in the destination.

For men who are literally challenged by premature ejaculation, what follows can offer insights into engaging your sexual expression more deeply and confidently.

Think of the most compelling, wise, enlivening, or romantic book, play or movie you have been inspired by. Not getting past the friction realm of sex is like only going a few pages or minutes into these epic tales …and stopping there…over and over and over again.

You will never get to experience the full scope of these great works of art, or the depths of your and your partner’s Eros, if you never take the time to have the full experience they are designed to inspire in you.

So what is the difference between sex as friction versus an erotic dance? Friction sex, to the greatest extent, has been classically summarized as slam, bam and thank you…though there may not be a lot to be thankful for, at least from your partners point of view, but likely from yours as well.

Friction sex can be a great relief, generate connection, and shake one loose from frustration or horniness for a brief time. The outcome can be cathartic. It can even be fantastic. Orgasms just feel great period! But look back over your shoulder for a moment, at that relentless, fierce, passionate drive that led to friction sex.

You might start to see that part of you, the core of your desire, was all geared up to take this epic journey to the farthest reaches of Eros, and you just got off, literally, at the first exit you came to, a few miles down the highway. Again, not knocking friction sex, solo or other. When highly sexed people are busy, a quick excursion into release can smooth out the rough edges of the day and satisfy your inner sex-creature hunger. But this is just dusting the surface of deep, and little understood dimensions of human sexuality.

Unfortunately, as a culture, we lack or prohibit even the most basic sex-education, let alone offer insight into the ecstatic realms of Eros. Fortunately for all of us, we are just entering the era where sexuality pioneers have been opening new vistas of our vast Erotic potential. Word of these practices, activities and insights are proliferating on the internet, and being offered in books, and workshops or personal guidance by an array of skilled, innovative practitioners. They are opening the gateways to allow human sexuality to flow like water, beyond the reach of mainstream obstructions.

There are two main pathways coming into view, leading into the farther realms of Eros. In many ways, they are polar opposites of each other. One is popularly called Sacred Sexuality, the other Fetish sexuality.

Each can be personally meaningful, combined together or be pursued separately. The nature of these two poles of sexual expression –  spiritual/soulful,  sacred/profane, or refined/wild are what I consider the yin/yang of Eros. Both poles offer important considerations to clarify, in order to begin conscious, negotiated, consensual engagement of the deeper aspects of your personal Eros. Normal in all cases is personal to you, not what the mainstream political, psychological or religious view dictates, nor your partner(s) for that matter.

For many, their deepest yearning may be to engage in the Eros of heart centered, love-making. The energy is tender, sweet, compassionate and building towards an ecstatic, out of body explosion of bliss and connection.

This is towards the Spiritual path or sacred notions of sex. The drive of Eros in this direction is an ascent. The pleasures are refined. The ultimate intention is to transmute sexual energy from the root of the sex organs through the body to the crown of the head. This encourages one to journey out of the body, rise above personal desire and identity, aspire to the heavens, and merge with some sense of divine ecstatic universal love.

This path is often called in contemporary terms neo-tantra or sacred sexuality. It includes practices of breath-work, ejaculation control or orgasm cycling, meditations and yoga postures drawn from ancient traditions such as Tantra, Taoism, and others. These can involve rigorous disciplines and devotion to techniques to shift one’s awareness towards spiritual enlightenment from the mundane or profane pleasures or entanglements of the lower realms. The rigor involved in such practices may be well-beyond most people’s intention or desire.

Nonetheless, these Erotic arts do offer many practical techniques, as well, that are easy to learn and use to expand awareness, presence, embodiment, intention, deep-listening/observation and other valuable skills. These can be essential practices to open to your and your partner’s Erotic potentials in any direction you may journey, through grounding your exploration in intention, trust, heart-to-heart intimacy, physical connection, and emotional/physical safety.

The other major direction on the path of Eros is what I will call the Soulful path. This path of Eros is personal versus universal, primitive more than refined. This path of Eros is a descent, deeper down into the body, earthbound, pulsating, into the wild, instinctual aspects of our being.

These are often considered the taboo, forbidden realms of Eros by the culture at large, inhabited by dark, dangerous but alluring sexual figures. This is dropping down into the very personal realms of our sexual identity and into the unpruned wilds of Eros.

These roots of our wildest sexual desires extend far into our evolutionary heritage of mammalian alpha/beta pecking order instincts, and deeper into predator/prey reptilian level instincts, along with their unconscious psychologies and physical symbolic communication gestures still programmed into the modern human psyche. These encompass aspects of our sexual expression related to power exchange, hot-blooded dominance and submission and cold-blooded sadist/masochist expressions.

This is the realm of Fetishsexuality. Here we find a rich archetypal symbolic mythos at play, with stories and plots and archetypes ranging across a pantheon of paired personas such as Mommy/son, Daddy/daughter, Teacher/student, Master-Mistress/slave  and many more in some sort of power exchange. These pairings of two or more may be further differentiated through an array of emerging gender and sexual identities.

These mythic, often unconscious structures of our Erotic desire find their way to the surface through our fantasies when we engage sexually, where they can drive one to orgasm or other deep erotic states. When engaged consciously and allowed to express and embody authentically with a consenting partner, these fierce explorations of our dark, wild instinctual edges can offer a profound sense of empowerment and acceptance, as well as a full-body, soulful, exquisitely spent bliss from either side of the power exchange.

If you have been living in the realm of friction sex only, then the bulk of your Erotic expression may still be beyond your conscious gaze. But if you have sensed a depth of hidden erotic expression yet untapped then I encourage you to begin to explore this potential within you.

Maybe you already have a very specific sense, or have even explored what your deeper Eros looks like, if it was allowed to roam freely. For others, it may require some effort to untangle your authentic and ecstatic Erotic yearnings from all that has resisted them. This may include drilling down below the decades of shame, fear, guilt, secrecy or denial your authentic sexual desires may have been buried under. To discover and learn more about these erotic pathways from either direction, sacred or profane, there are plenty of websites, books, workshops and guides around for support for you and/or your partner’s exploration.

Either path, from Sacred Sex to Fetish Sex is clearly more complex, nuanced and subjective than friction sex, so the more you educate yourself the more fulfilling your explorations can become. While external resources can be very helpful, ultimately it is about finding and cultivating your own personally meaningful expression.

For either path, it is critical that both partners follow and agree on certain ethical codes to build the trust required to reach the most potent depths of your desires.

This means to have an intention and commitment to being in integrity, being responsible, accountable, risk-aware, actively listening and being present. It means telling the truth, starting with what you want…and what you don’t. Impeccable respect of boundaries is critical. Clear, transparent and fair negotiation with your partners is standard procedure. Knowing proper techniques and risk/safety factors for your style of engagement and the toys or tools involved, goes without saying. Encouragement and compassionate support of your partner is a golden practice.

Adhering to these practices and principles builds the foundations of trust, safety and mutual care for an ongoing and deepening exploration. This framework offers the possibility of engaging and sharing our most protected and hidden Erotic depths with our partners.

While this can seem a complex effort overall, the fundamentals of consciously engaging and exploring your Eros are easy to develop and learn as a practice.

In  Part 2, you can learn the 7 core tips for consciously engaging and exploring your Sexuality with a partner. 

The Fetish Sex Advisor column is intended as a place where singles and couples can find in-depth articles and anonymously submit their questions about how to maneuver the complexities of Fetish, Kink and D/s-BDSM sex and relationships

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Want to learn more about your core sexual fantasies? Take the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey here.