There is never any end to the pleasure of Eros. Here are 7 keys to keep you on course for max pleasure.
In Part 1 – Sex is Friction, Eros is Myth the deeper realms of Erotic experience available to you were described when you and your partner take your passion beyond the range of friction sex. Here are some valuable tools to enhance that mythic Erotic journey with your partner.
1. Personal Embodiment
The place to begin is your own body.
We as a culture and men in particular have become considerably disembodied. We live from the neck up, in rational analysis, in stories in our head, in judgments about others and ourselves. We live in a thought-stream of anxiety about the future and regret about the past. We are often barely aware that we have a body and exist within it in this moment right now. You can be a hardcore workout geek, runner and intensely athletic but still not be consciously aware of your body.
When we are not consciously embodied, we are unconsciously embodied. This unconscious embodiment displays in some subtle to overt fashion, the ways we may be shut down, afraid, disconnected, in shame, lack confidence and numerous other physical expressions of our inner feelings in a given moment.
So start with your own body awareness and begin getting in touch with these subtler layers of your self! This means cultivating practices to get out of your head and deeper into the body. This can be conscious movement, breath-work, yoga, tai-chi and other such practices. Yuu can even experiment with you own embodiment techniques. These techniques can help you drop down into awareness of your body, and freedom from those distracting thought streams. This can help you reach a clarity of what you desire right now, or what resists your desire.
- Presence and Intention
These practices are gateways to learning presence, the art of being fully engaged, aware and embodied right here, right now. This state of presence is the place to form the intention you have set for the moment. Having a conscious intention, especially for sexual exploration, is a powerful anchor point to return to anytime you may get distracted by your busy mind. When in a state of presence your awareness of and connection to your partner is strengthened. This allows you to feel and express much more of the experience you are sharing than when a partially distracted state.
There is also the setting or and ambiance that your Erotic journey’s will occur in to consider. In ritual language this is called preparing the “container” or sacred space to hold the experience in. The container is both symbolic and physical. It divides reality into an outer realm of your everyday life and inner realm or container that holds what you want to focus on. In practical terms this container can be a dedicated space in your dwelling that you establish for ongoing use, or one created for the moment if your current living situation does not allow a permanent space.
In the inner realm that will hold your Erotic journey, you can create the ambiance that best supports the intended experience. Choose the lighting, soundscape, colors, aromas, textures and more that enliven you, soothe you, excite you. Same for the attire you choose. These are the personal touches that create comfort, ease and safety for the experience. Ambiance is sensorial. It supports you being deeper in your body through sensory activations of the nervous system that “turn” your body on. This naturally enhances your sense of presence and embodiment. We do many of these practices instinctively in our homes on date nights, and doing so consciously can really enhance the potency of your container.
- Mutual Embodiment
It can be very helpful to begin Erotic engagement between new or established partners, with non-erotic physical connection. This can include doing conscious breath and movement practices together with your partner or mutual massage. The body has an amazing capacity to shed tension, especially surface tension. Surface tensions are physical reflections of those mildly nagging judgments, distractions or anxieties, and other mind chatter, that are not really relevant to the intention of this present moment. Letting your bodies simply interact together will allow the natural intimacy and connection you share with your partner to blossom forth and allow desire to flow unimpeded.
- Clear Negotiation
Prior to any sexual engagement, negotiate clearly with your partner for the journey into Eros you wish to undertake together. Get clear about specific desires for the engagement you want to explore, get clear about boundaries around areas that are not desired or are to be prohibited. Get clear about safe-words or other means to halt the Erotic journey if something comes up that was not in the original negotiation. Get clear about safe-sex practice and sexual histories needed to protect you both.
Your partner has likely been immersed in the same sex-negative, shames, fears, mistrust or actual traumas around their natural sexual expression as you have. Their disconnection from their Erotic core and it’s full embodiment may be well beyond your own, or vice-versa. There can be numerous factors that subtly want to resist deeply engaging one’s Eros, even between long-term partners. Being thorough and conscientious with the above considerations, safeguards, intimacies and communications can go a long way in breaking through many long-held layers of unconscious resistance that run counter to one’s stated and sincere desires.
- Dance Together
Once you begin to move into your Erotic expression, stay in awareness of your connection to your partner. I look at it like a very intimate dance like the tango. The connection is palpable. Both move freely in their own intricacy, yet they move as one, with no break in the connection.
Pace is also very important, particularly in the Fetish explorations where there is a desire for intense physical, psychological and emotional engagement. Slow pace is best to start with. It helps you adjust and shift more readily to where the flow may want to go in the moment. Stay aware of your partner’s breath, tone of voice, posture, skin tone. If you feel or sense some measure of disconnect or loss of flow, use these cues to get present with what it is your partner may be signaling. Do this for yourself as well.
Reading the body is equivalent to reading the mind. The body is the analog of and mirrors the unconscious. It reflects what is being said in the unspoken dimensions of communication. This can be very important if your partner is challenged or wounded around their body, desirability or carries sexual shame. Staying connected, encouraging, present and safe will create trust and support them to remain in the ecstasy of the dance. If uncertain of what the signals may mean, stop and check in with your partner directly.
Take time immediately after your Erotic journey to let yourselves linger in the afterglow of your shared experience. Embrace your partner in ways that signal your care, appreciation and love for who they are and what you were able to share together. Enjoy and surrender to the profound, blissful stillness that may be present.
Be aware there can be a tendency for some to drop back into old patterns of shame, unworthiness, judgments, and other woundings, almost instantly. Staying physically connected, remembering to breath, feeling gratitude and staying present with your partner can help ground your authentic Erotic beings as the natural, integral and welcome aspect of your psyches they are meant to be.
It can be helpful to allow some time beyond the experience in the days ahead to debrief and reflect about the experience each had. This allows you both to learn more about the other and make key adjustments to enhance the Erotic excursions ahead.
There is never any end to the pleasures, passions, and intimacy Eros offers when engaged in with care, integrity and awareness. Journey well into this empowering, ecstatic and healing experience!
The Fetish Sex Advisor column is intended as a place where singles and couples can find in-depth articles and anonymously submit their questions about how to maneuver the complexities of Fetish, Kink and D/s-BDSM sex and relationships
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